Let’s Talk Legacy—Are You a Man or a Mess

Let’s Talk Legacy—Are You a Man or a Mess

In Straight from the Womb, we tell stories about women’s relationships with their mothers. A lot of times these women’s stories are shaped by the men in their lives—their fathers, stepfathers, husbands, brothers, sons, mentors, abusers, rapists, molesters, etc. During a Q&A after one production, a man asked whether I thought the production “bashed men.” I explained to this gentleman that I told the stories that women told me, and that I felt no obligation to alter the stories I’d been told to either bash or pander to men. If a woman told me a story in which the one who should have been her protector/nurturer ended up being her abuser/tormentor, then that’s the story I told. Period. Why? Because I’ve learned that secrets and lies are the breeding ground for continued abuse. People are only set free when lies are dragged into the light of the truth. As we say in SftW, “We heal when we tell our stories.” No one ever got healed by perpetuating a lie.

As I talked to men and began gathering their stories for Legacy, I saw a similar dynamic. Men told stories about how their father’s choices had shaped their lives and how their own choices had, in turn, shaped the lives of their children. A common theme throughout many of the stories I heard was sincerity. I believe that the vast majority of the men I spoke to have a sincere desire to do right by their wives, children and others in their circle of influence, but what is readily evident as you examine the fruit that many of these men have produced is that sincerity by itself is not enough. One can be just as sincere as one can possibly be and still make choices that have a negative impact that ripple out and devastate generations. Sincerity just isn’t enough.

I once heard a pastor say that if you put the batteries in a TV remote the wrong way, that remote will not work. You can sincerely point that remote at the TV. You can sincerely push the buttons on that remote. You can sincerely want that remote to work. However, despite all your sincerity, that remote will not work because you are violating a principle regarding that remote. The same can be applied when it comes to fulfilling one’s role as a man, husband and father. You can sincerely want to do the right thing, but wanting to do the right thing while going about it the wrong way will never yield right results.

The Word of God says it like this:

• “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge,
  I also will reject you from being priest for Me; because you have forgotten the law of your God, I also will forget your children” (Hosea 4:6). What you don’t know or what you reject can hurt you and yours despite your sincerity.

• “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death” (Proverbs 16:25). You can sincerely think you’re doing the right thing and be headed down the wrong path.

• “In all your getting, get understanding” (Proverbs 4:7). Sincerity by itself is not enough. There are some things you need to understand.

God created men and designed them to function a certain way as they walk out their various roles. When men don’t understand or misunderstand what their purpose is and how to operate in that purpose, all kinds of havoc can be wreaked. In explaining to me how he felt his father had failed to fulfill his role as nurturer/protector/leader, one man I spoke to used the term “underdeveloped men.” He explained that underdeveloped men are not capable of providing what those dependent upon them need. They just don’t have the mental, emotional or spiritual collateral that is required to be men, let alone husbands or fathers, so those dependent upon them suffer. These men, he went on to explain, are just boys in big bodies. So, what they lack mentally, emotionally and spiritually, they try to overcompensate for physically, which often leads to abuse. What they try to pass off as strength is just a sure sign of weakness.

A lot of what we try to pass off as being a man is actually a mess with no foundation in the Word of God. God never sanctioned angry men, treacherous men, ignorant men, prideful men, stubborn men, immature men. At some point, males have to put away childish things, as Paul wrote, and become men (1 Cor. 13:11).